Absence and the BPD Brain

Author Note: This article is part of a collection from the previously lost Bordering Bears website, and has thus been re-uploaded and archived.

Personal Update

Once again, all things have been very quiet here on the blog side of Bordering Bears. Why? Because the business venture and freelance writing side has kicked off with a bang!
I now have three main clients and a full workload!
So, apologies that the blog has fallen by the wayside, but part of my mental health journey is to gain a form of income to provide for my family.
I’m telling you this as a means of showing you that BPD and success can go hand in hand!

It is also due to my sporadic updates that I wanted to talk to you about aspects of absence with Borderline Personality Disorder.

As with every post, this is not a medical representation of the illness. Simply my take on my experiences.

My Absence

Sometimes, my replies can alternate. One day I might be replying within seconds of your message. Others, I don’t get back to you for a couple of days. I think this is due to my sociability levels. Most people have days where they simply don’t like socialising. For me, on those days, I just won’t. I’ll read it, and think I’ll respond later and then promptly forget.

Otherwise, I love being quick on the draw. With my work, I pride myself in always handing in articles long before their deadline. To me, this is the best practice as it means there is ample time for any editing to take place.

In my personal life, it means that messaging is more like a conversation than the odd bit of text. I’m known as one to prefer phone calls (but not video calls because I end up distracted by how one eyebrow is naturally way higher than the other!) and can spend hours on the phone if given the chance.

The Absence of Others

I can’t deal with it, simply put. If I feel like someone is ignoring me or, worse, my message has been read, ignored, they aren’t answering their phone, but are active on social media, I feel like I’m clawing at the walls.

Firstly, in my opinion, there is no need for it. When I don’t respond, it’s because I’m doing real life stuff. I don’t sit there and flaunt while ignoring. If someone has spent a few days ignoring any communication from you but still showing public activity, it makes my blood boil.

Some might say you should take it as a hint. I respectfully disagree. To engage in that kind of behaviour can trigger a lot in someone with a pre-existing condition. If you’re busy, or no longer wish to talk, at least say so.

There is, obviously, an exception to this. In the case of a toxic or abusive relationship between people, it can be best to just leave. Yet, make sure it is a clean break. Wipe the individual off of everything. This is only relevant for any toxicity though, as to do so to the average person is utterly cruel.

Things That Help

My loved ones know how the above makes me feel and adapt accordingly. I am so blessed and thankful for the way they at least attempt to understand the feeling.

I am able to understand that, sometimes, people can’t reply. Work and emergencies do happen. I am also at a stage of assurance where I know that my message will be responded to as soon as the person is able to do so, whether that be that Ash has a break at work, or Mum has finished something she was doing.

Finding that level of reassurance is so incredibly freeing. I have been in too many situations with people who use the silent treatment or ghosting. I hate it. If I’m irked at someone and wish to calm down, I will say just that to them, that I need space to calm and will speak to them when ready. This at least gives an explanation and understanding.

The takeaway today is to be more mindful. Consider your actions and how they may affect others. We can all do with a little more thought before we act, in our parenting, work lives, and personal lives.

Don’t think I’m preaching. I include myself in that. More patience and thoughtfulness is something everyone should be implementing. It can make all the difference.

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