8 Top Tips for Buying Your First Home

Many news articles have come up in the lifestyle pages, or shared on social media, lately regarding advice from “real people” on buying your first home. Like many readers, intrigue quickly turns to disgust, thanks to some of the content found within. Due to this, I decided it might be a good idea to give a few tips on getting onto the property ladder.

Live with family/friends rent-free

The purpose of having family and friends is to sponge off of them, right? While they scrimp and save to cover their own mortgage, rent, or bills, or have worked hard to get mortgage-free, you can take advantage of this by living with them. Even better, you could also eat their food and use their toiletries. Bonus points if you’re insured on their car. All in all, get someone else to completely fund every single aspect of your life, so that you can save for a deposit. Once you’ve got it, off you go. Who cares about their needs, or taking responsibility?

Stop eating

Food is expensive. If you find that buying groceries and the like is hampering your attempts to save for a deposit, simply stop doing it. Some people, known as breatharians, claim to live off of sunlight and oxygen alone. Give it a shot. No more grocery bills, no more time cooking, just extra savings in your account. Yes, granted, you might get ill or die, but at least you’ll be closer to that deposit.

Take on more work

The majority of people work 8 hour days, 5 days a week. This equates to 40 hours. Yet, there is 168 hours in a week. You’re losing 128 hours to other ventures, such as childcare, sleep, or even pointless leisure activities. Instead of these menial activities, keep working all of the time. The minimum wage in the UK is currently nearly £9. So, your standard job will see you bringing in approximately £360 per week, before tax. Yet, my super expedited working plan could see you raking in £1512 EVERY SINGLE WEEK! See the next tip for even more employment advice.

Don’t pay tax

Now that we have worked out how to really increase your earnings, let’s get rid of that pesky tax. Some big corporations have been accused, or found out, of using means of avoiding tax, so why shouldn’t you? Granted, you most likely don’t have the collateral for the top lawyers like they would, but you can potentially get a free roof over your head, and meals in your stomach, at Her Majesty’s pleasure.

Sell Organs

People have two kidneys. Sell them. Bonus points if you can sell other people’s organs and body parts. Is the black market on eBay? Well, it should be. Harvesting organs is, however, frowned upon by the law, so you might end up in a wee bit of trouble for this. Oh well, at least you won’t have to pay rent or bills in prison.

Collect boxes

This one might be a tad difficult at the moment, considering that there is a cardboard shortage. Hoarding all of those Amazon boxes, as well as others that you can get your hands on, could prove to be incredibly useful. With a few handy DIY items that you probably have in your home, such as duct tape, Pritt Stick, or even Sellotape, you can make yourself a little abode. Of course, this may only work for those who live in areas with minimal rainfall. I have yet to consider how to sort plumbing and electrics in your cardboard castle, so would be open to suggestions.

Bide your time

Those who have affluent family might benefit from this one. The line of succession can only go so far. Try and put yourself in a position where you are the sole inheritor of a will. This way, you can get property and money! If you don’t want to wait that long, find yourself an elderly, wealthy spouse with many medical ailments. Sorted!

Don’t be born

From my extensive research, it has become clear that the problem of needing housing begins when one is born. Ergo, by not being born in the first place, you won’t need to worry about saving up for a deposit, or being able to make rent. You won’t need tips on getting onto the property ladder if you don’t exist. That may very well be the answer. I’ve finally cracked the solution to housing!

So, while the news websites may continue to spiel off about how people managed to save for a deposit all by themselves (with bank of Mum and Dad, or a rich spouse, in the background), you can probably appreciate that their tips on getting onto the property ladder are absolutely fruitless for individuals who have actual responsibilities and commitments.

The housing prices are astronomical in comparison to wages, and I don’t honestly see things improving anytime soon. I hope that you’ve at least found a little humour in this article, as it’s better to laugh, than to sob at the state of the housing market.

Note: This article is meant as pure satire in response to some pretty stupid news articles I’ve seen recently. Bordering Bears does not condone being an absolute leech, maiming people for parts, living an unhealthy lifestyle, overworking yourself, criminal activities, living off boxes, dishonest relationships, killing off family members to become King of Pride Rock, or inventing time machines for the sole purpose of stopping your parents from having a normal, healthy physical relationship.